America’s Old Motto: In God We Trust
America’s New Motto: Buy One House Get One Free
Up in South Lake Tahoe I lost $75 in ten minutes…at the Shell Station. Don’t play the premium unleaded machine. Terrible odds.
Mormons believe native Americans descended from jews. You know, the old Navajoawitz tribe. Right. I mean, would a people descended from Jews have sold Manhattan so cheaply? If so they would have at least kept the mineral righs.
McCain crashed four planes before he wen’t to Vietnam. He got into the military because ValueJet wouldn’t take him.
My parents are from the generation that didn’t divorce…but perhaps should have.
It’s a shame Sarah Palin didn’t get to debate Obama. It would have given her a chance to finally meet a black man.
It’s ironic but people with the most writing on their clothes are people who seem to do the least reading.
I used to wonder why my parents were always so sick. Then I saw what they eat and I thought, “How the hell are they still alive?”
People wonder why there is so much alcoholism in Ireland. It’s because the Irish are there.
Mexicans just want to go north where people are civilized and literate and there’s decent health care. And they have to go through here to get to Canada.
The Homeland Security folks say we should keep a lookout for suspicious activity around crop dusters. I guess they don’t want terrorists getting hold of a crop duster and spraying us with different poisons from the ones farmers are spraying us with now.
Rodeo is inhumane. On the other hand if you’ve got a bunch of rednecks with a rope, a rodeo is the most humane thing they’re gonna do.
No wonder Florida screws up every other election. It’s divided into two time zones, 1938 and 1952.
When it comes to statistics, Americans are really off the charts. For example, we make up just 4% of the world’s population but have 83% of its fat asses.
Many of the Kennedy family tragedies could have been averted, simply by swapping cars. JFK should have taken the hard top and Ted should have taken the convertible.
I recently got married after being single for 45 years. They say you’ll know when it’s the right one. You know how I knew she was the right one? She owned her own home.
Why do they have a scale at the gym? I’m already at the gym. Put the scale where I need it: At the bakery.
The demographics on Hummer drivers are: 80% white, 90% male, and 100% jackass.
I come from a town that doesn’t really support the dramatic arts. The only way you could draw a crowd in my hometown is if you could get the 49ers perform the musical Cats at WalMart.
I took a nasty stumble while snowboarding and quickly learned why the snowboarding clothing is so baggy. It’s to leave room for the swelling.
Sarah Palin said she and Todd sat at the kitchen table trying to figure out how to save for their kids’ college. Uh, Sarah, you got one kid going into the military, one pregnant in high school, and one who is a retard. Here’s a little tip: There isn’t going to be any college. Try saving up for condoms.
Bush said he’s created millions of new jobs. I’d like one of those jobs but I think the commute to India would be a little prohibitive.